Disclaimer: Here's an article I worked on that's to be published sometime next month. It's written in Jest - and anonymously. Enjoy, but don't get caught taking it too seriously.
Damaged Goods: A Guide to Foreigner women in Taiwan.
By A Gay Man in Taiwan
Recently the quip, "Hell hath no fury like a foreigner woman scorned," in the Voice's Men Issue got me thinking, "What the hell is wrong with straight foreigner women here, anyway? They are bitching and wasting perfectly good men!!" Little did I know this simple question would lead me down a treacherous path of neurosis, bitterness and sexual stereotyping. Read on Men, though be warned you might have to learn something.
Neurosis: Pity the poor Foreigner Woman(FW); is it any wonder that they are so hyper-neurotic here in Taiwan? They have been programmed by feminists to believe that their body image problems are caused by Patriarchal oppression through unrealistic body type portrayals in the media. Then they are immersed in a culture where, with a quick glance around, it becomes apparent that the ubiquitous body type of the Taiwanese Women (TW) relegates them to a class of gigantism and obesity unparalleled in their homelands. The plethora of tight Taiwanese bodies with under ten percent body fat plus the flirty attire guiltlessly paraded by TW is coupled with the fact that all Taiwanese have no compunction about the phrase, "you are a little heavy," or "you look fat," and so the affront to the collective female psyche becomes quite tangible. Further, Taiwanese women seem quite ageless after they hit twenty five years whereas Foreigners show their age in obviously droopy, veiny, or wrinkly ways. This double whammy of being relatively fat old hags while losing men as their scapegoats sets up some torturous psychological realizations: here in the reality of Taiwan, they don't just feel fat - they are fat and they have only themselves to blame.
Bitterness: As Freud proved, straight women do not deal well with torturous psychological realizations. Taiwan is a huge inferiority-complex factory for them and to protect their egos this manifests as bitterness towards two main groups: Taiwanese women and Men. (I'll spare you examples, just go to a bar here yourself and say "skanks" or "men" in a sentence and gauge for yourself. Shameful waste of good men, I'd say.) What's interesting here, from a sociological perspective, is that Men have been displaced by Taiwanese women as the dialectic OTHER (for those of you just joining us that means the Enemy.) Purportedly, these Taiwanese women give up sex easily and gratefully compared to Foreigner Women and hence the terms "skank" "white hound", etc. If true, then it follows that FW would have a lower incidence of getting laid but even fat FW have no problem scoring cock if they want it. Instead, consider the quote, "Sex: women have it and men want it." It seems that FW want to take out their bitterness on men with their best weapon - sex - but the TW are ruining this plan by giving it away!
Sexual stereotyping of Foreigner Women by Cuntry:
Interestingly, after six or seven years of observing the community here, it seems that certain patterns exist of interest to men looking to date Foreigner Women. Let's stereotype, shall we?
South African: Beware these women as latent guilt about their country's apartheid past has transmogrified them into strident Dyke wannabes. Luckily, this quirk has given them far and above the highest sexual proclivity with the proviso that they will not sleep with South African Men. Anyone but, it seems. So if you are South African, look elsewhere or lie. (Four stars, unless you are a South African Man.)
Canadian: Nicknamed "Ice Bitches," "Cold Queens," "Princesses," etc, they are perhaps the best example of the Entitlement Syndrome whereby everything is expected to be done to them but conversely nothing is to be done by them. Harsh and socially retarded, they can't compete in a bar or pub setting with the universal appeal of European-style women whom accept that flirting is not a social affront but instead a compliment. It seems they will put out but only after a man emasculates himself - better that you should become gay. So they fuck, but with extreme prejudice.(One star)
Vancouverites: Separate from Canada, Vancouver's plane of existence is elevated by copious amounts of cannabis. Women from this area are usually the descendants of inbred hippies or American Army deserters. Typified by loose morals and many trippy tattoos, to communicate with them you must have a working knowledge of New Age terminology, Runes, Veganism, or at the very least Yoga or Reiki. To get laid, just invest in a deck of Tarot cards. (Five stars)
American: Dating these women is sure to endanger your mental health as you'll be told you are wrong every day. Apparently America, and by proxy its women, are always right. Obnoxious, highly irritable and always loud, American Women can't escape their culture's puritanical roots and only enjoy sex long enough to make sure they can feel guilty about it. Consequently, they are not good lovers, just poor fuckers. (Two stars)
Australian: Definitely a hardy breed, they seem to stand up well in a pub or bar setting. Perhaps only a little boring, they tolerate Foreigner men well as apparently Aussie men lowball the standards for the rest of the world's men. They have small attention spans though and tend to need to wander so keep a short leash.(Three stars)
New Zealanders: Obsessed about the difference between a bird and a fruit (Kiwi), they fly off the handle quite easily if mistaken for Australians and their tattoos are quite gaudy. Living on a small island so far off has molded them into the epitome of "small town" girls. They are easy - but fertile - and therefore always in danger of the worst venereal disease: children. (Three stars)
British: Thatcher-itis, anyone? This disease has created a generation of stodgy, competent women and it shows in their sexuality. (**note: Not that many people who speak English understand British people due to the extent of their slang and colloquialisms. Their extreme over-reaction to having to learn the Queen's English has caused them to become bloody sods. Try looking up spunk dustbin or spam javelin.) The good news is that British women are female. They can get the job done if motivated by a rating or some form of efficiency scale. And they are not sperm bandits. cf. New Zealanders. The bad news is that they consider black colorful[sic] and dress accordingly. Basically, they are mechanical women most attractive to an engineer or accountant. (Three stars)
European Mix: As mentioned previously, the European woman has a style that openly accepts flirting. Most European woman are acceptable and what the South African women look up to and Canadian women look down upon. Sadly, Taiwan has far too few of this type of woman. (Five stars)
Taiwanese White hounds: The Taiwanese women referred to here are the ones that make themselves available to Foreigner men through flirting, dating, and hanging out on the scene - referred to as White hounds. To the casual male observer, their slender, toned body type, their sexual availability and their eagerness to learn and do whatever they are taught makes them seem highly desirable. As far as a sexual Tabula Rasa goes they seem to be perfect. But of course, all is not as it seems. These Taiwanese women harbor within themselves, an incredible propensity to go ballistic if the relationship does not work out. They will stalk former boyfriends back to their country of origin. They will go to elaborate lengths to humiliate former boyfriends. They will perform impressive histrionic displays resembling an elaborate Chinese opera climax. Be very aware of the possibility that only marriage will stop them. (Zero stars)
Taiwanese Normal: Backwards and somewhat provincial, most TW are shallow, ersatz women. Their personal styling, from clothes to cars, rests heavily on the Japanese influence of infantilism and indeed their body type does make them look like children. Worse, due to the influence of "Betel nut girls" they are loathe to dress provocatively. Sexually speaking, they are pure functionalists, expecting only babies from sex. Their educations provided numerous inculcations them but denied them the joy of creative, original thoughts. Also, they are stuck on the cusp of a Patriarchal society in decline, and they've rejected marriage for money so are lost in terms of life goals. To summarize: they look like children, dress like children, want to make more children, can't think for themselves, and only want money. Besides that they are fine. (Zero stars)
The Punch Line: Foreigner women that reside in Taiwan need to get over themselves. Their collective neurosis and bitterness is palpable and could be dealt with by a good shag if they would waste less time and energy complaining and instead improve their attitudes. Ironically, the Foreigner men that were worried about commenting on Foreigner women had it backwards as it's truly the Taiwanese woman whose fury is fully evoked when she feels spurned. And finally, this article was written by a happy man, so happy, in fact, he might be called "gay" even though he's fully heterosexual. He's happy because he's never needed to date the damaged goods that are the Foreigner women here in Taiwan.
